Category Archives: Funny Weird

Silence is Off-Ochre…

There are occasions every so often, when a person has nothing compelling to say.

There are also times when people don’t know when to shut up.

I like to think I’ve developed a keen sense of diplomacy and sharp observational skills that enable me to ascertain the potential for these disastrous and uncomfortable situations, and hopefully, the wherewithal to avoid them.

Sometimes, that isn’t the case.

Today, however, I think I might be “in the zone”, so to speak.

So, in light of the above statements, I’m going to leave you with this parting bit of wisdom:

If you’re the only one talking in a room full of awkward silence, you might want to take a hint.

Nighty-night.

Rough Trade

So another misses opportunity for eloquent meanderings through verb and verse.

Another bizarre night of offputting dreams.

Did I actually sleep last night?

I probably did but I still feel like I’m in a movie starring GSP.

Hopefully coffee will sweep away the cobwebs and discarded emotional wreckage that frolics hand in hand with a bad nights sleep.

More to come later today. Stay tuned.

Hitting the Wall

So I’ve been at this now consistently for two weeks.

I wonder how professionals do it.

I mean it’s a lot of work, dragging chunky bits of scribbling gold out of my head each and every day.

I remember when I was in college, back in the old Twentieth, riding to school on the TTC. My brain was afire with glimmering wondercakes of poetic wizardry. The words flew forth as if I was possessed by the first dictionary-ist.

Sorry. I accidentally a word.

I still have all those scraps, safely tucked away, the ink barely faded.

Maybe I should try to transpose them, as a catalogue of my intellectual and creative development through the millennia.

That way, philosophy professors of the future will have a wealth of pre-lecture ha-has with which to entertain whatever passes for students at that time.

Larson. Epic.

Still, there was a good one i wrote about trees.

Remind me to dig it up before I leave.

Well, that’s just like your opinion, man……

I should just keep my mouth shut.

Listen.

I have this bizarre notion that people deserve truth.

Perhaps this is the last remaining glimmer of my twenty-something idealism, desperately clinging to life at the edge of a raw nerve.

I honestly believe that my doing anything less than be truthful with you is a disservice.

And that doesn’t jive with me.

You see, I can take you being angry with me.

Feel the need to voice your opinion? Go ahead!

Wanna chuck a burning toaster at my head? Why not?

Perhaps a conveniently located Plymouth moving forwards and backwards over my right foot will provide the necessary relief from tension, gained by my heartfelt but straightforward offering?

Knock yourself the fuck out.

Because I am a big boy. And I have big boy shoulders. And big boy pants to accommodate my big boy balls. And all of these attributes afford me the confidence, the wherewithal and the consideration to respect you enough to not yank your fucking chain. Even if it means hurting your feelings a little bit.

It does you no good. And it does me no good.

No matter what anyone ever says or ever feels about what you do, say or think, they should always be willing to admit that you were always honest.

And that you always knew where your towel was.

Assistance Is Futile….

So my oldest son is participating in an overnight cenotaph vigil with his Air Cadet Squadron for Remembrance Day.

I’m pretty proud of him.

However, as I was finishing work tonight, my wife texted me and said he’d forgotten his toque.

Like any dutiful Dad, I ran it over to him.

As I arrived at the legion, he was sitting at a table with some friends, his back to me.

And that’s when I saw it.

You see, it is customary, in any military oriented organization, to keep a certain dress and deportment about yourself.

Specifically your hair.

Now, he’d done his due diligence last night by using the clippers and giving himself a proper haircut.

Except for the ridiculous swath of hair he missed on the back of his head.

I mentioned it. He said he knew already.

For smegs sake people. If you need help with something, just ask.

Everything’s Coming Up …..Uh, What was I saying?….

OK. So I’m only human.

Not every post is going to be chock full of peaches and light, with happy bunnies crapping out rainbows and shit.

Sorry about that. That was wildly inappropriate.

I have been feeling a strong premonition relating to a head cold the last two days.

Today it appeared to up its game.

I have liquids and rest in my corner. The Cold has its minions invading my sinuses, and is stockpiling mucus.

It’s going to get violent soon.

Gross. It just made me sneeze all over my tablet.

Well played, Cold. Well played.

It Takes A Village…..

Let’s pretend you were the leader of a village.

And during your tenure as leader, you went around at night to all the chicken coops in the village, and bit the heads off of all the chickens. It doesn’t matter why you chose this particular distraction. It could have been macramé.

One of the children wakes up one night, and through their bedroom window, spots you committing your nefarious deeds.

The child tells their parents, friends, teachers – anyone who will listen.

But the child’s story is dismissed as ridiculous. You blame it on rats.

Until someone else sees it too on another night.

Suddenly, the rumour gains some momentum. Your fellow villagers cast side-long glances at you as you pass by. The mood shifts when you enter the local pub.

People become passively hostile towards you.

Eventually, cornered by your constituents and a lack of convenient foils, you cave.

You hold a village meeting, and with your hat in your hand, somberly and with great remorse, admit to your terrible secret activity.

You extol the virtues of your village, and genuflect upon the ruin and disappointment you have wrought.

You regale them with your future prospects’ and your renewed commitment to the villages’ sanctity and success.

You gaze proudly out to the crowd. Your magnanimous expression beaming down like a fresh, new sunrise.

You wrap up your apology-laden speech, giving time and space for your fellow villagers to reflect upon and process your words. They look at you, studying, contemplating.

And just like that, they lynch you for the bastard that you are.

Wake up, Toronto. You’ve got a rat problem.

Nixed Messages

So today I’ve had several pieces of technology fail on me.

The power went out. My laptop died. My tablet keeps rebooting. My vehicle is woefully unprepared for the winter, and dinner was too greasy. Generally the day ended up detouring to Poopsville, and I was being given the key to the city.

Of course at the end of the day I realize these are small potatoes. And for those of you unfamiliar with the mystical secrets of miniature pomme de terre-ians, it means really isn’t a big deal.

Even as we speak, or more accurately as I speak, I write this without the aid of my speak-n-spell option on my phone, which in no way overuses my diminishing battery life, I am working on a plan.

I am rising above. I am adapting and overcoming.  I am exercising the electronic demons that fester and putrify within my apparatuses…..apparatusi….my stuff.

In short, I am doing what any sane, sensible, modern techo-saavy macho dude in my place would do:

I looked it up online, found a solution and followed the instructions.

I can trust the internet, right?

Lazy Sunday…..

As always, the weekends go by too fast.

I often day dream about when I am retired.

The aimless days, wiling away the hours, drinking coffee, eating crackers and cheese.

Sampling audio delights of days gone-by or that documentary I always wanted to see, clad only in my raggediest of weekend wear.

Nowhere to be. No pressure. No stress.

Yeah, that first 28 minutes is pure heaven.

The rest of the day I’m just bored, sitting in my own unwashedness.

There’s only so many times you can refresh Twitter.

Oooohhhhh look. New arrivals on Netflix……