Obligatory Blog Post

I haven’t been on here much, and for that, I can only say  – so what?

I suppose it’s like that old addage “If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all”.

Or in my case “If you have nothing useful to say, no one is going to notice”.

I digress.

So, in the interests of waxing my own philosophic symbol, here are some funny things to ponder that I came up with when i typed it.

1) All people look funny when on the toilet.

2) When you get a song stuck in your head you hate, why not sing a different song?

3) In 2015, we are still more concerned about what other people are doing, and why it’s wrong, than education, or healthcare.

4) Despite all the terrible things human beings do to the world and each other, a dog will still ultimately trust an outstretched hand.

5) Look at a person in front of you. Now they are on the toilet. They do look funny, don’t they.

6) Why does no one in a zombie apocalypse movie go to a Bulk Barn?

7) What if Netflix is Skynet’s Final Solution?

8) As I typed that, the power went out in my neighbourhood, for one minute. Just let that sink in.

9) The bottled water industry is an elaborate charade to use up the left over Crystal Pepsi stock – one can for every skid of bottled water.

10) The person in front of you is still straining.

If you think this was great, just wait the Eleventy-Ninth of Procteebler, when I write about that thing behind you on the wall.

Reasonable Drought

Everything happens for a reason, as the saying goes.

All through our lives, we experience ups and downs, and twists and turns, that catch us off-guard and send us down unexpected paths.

How we react to these stimuli, is what generally determines our experience.

It is, to be fair, a challenge.

To keep our minds open and our spirits willing, to face the uncertain maelstrom of change, as it rips us from comfort and cozy, propelling us to new worlds, leaving us dripping in our undone sweaters on the welcome mat of the next moment.

And when we swivel our heads side to side, we see what we didn’t necessarily expect to, what we perhaps didn’t want to, and try as we might, we shake it off, and console ourselves with that most vague of comforting sayings:

“Everything happens for a reason”.

Yeah.

That has to be the stupidest, most chock full of horseshit statements EVER in the history of horseshit statements.

Very much akin to “finding something in the last place you look”.

Of course everything happens for a reason.  It’s cause and effect. Shit wouldn’t happen if shit didn’t cause it to happen. Most likely, the root cause of said shit is closely related to the irregular lump of putty staring back at you in the mirror.

Listen – something you did, you said, you thought, you felt, led you to this, whatever your “this” is.

If you don’t like where you ended up – go somewhere else.
Not crazy about your outlook – then look in.
Uncertainty creeping into your thought process- think differently!
Most importantly – feel ok about not feeling ok.

I am talking to and about myself, of course.

All of you (those following in real time, and those reading from the future) are just the lucky, lucky people that happen to be riding shotgun on this oh-de-lally little side trip of mine.

Listen – I haven’t had much to say lately, mostly because there was nothing I felt needed saying. Sometimes less is more, sometimes little is less.

Life goes on. Shit happens. Wherever you go, there you are.

Our collective experience is littered with jaunty Hallmark sayings perfectly designed to dull the ache of the long stretch of time we affectionately refer to as seconds, minutes, hours…..

Perhaps I just needed to wait for the snow to melt, for the sun to shine a little warmer and higher in the sky, and for the air to drift sweetly by, carrying the first whispers of a new spring.

Maybe I just needed to feel like I had something worth saying.

Quite possibly, I just needed a reason.

After all, everything starts to happen, when you have a reason.

This Post is Offensive

Readers be warned:

My words are chosen carefully. The innuendos, intended.

My jokes are almost always double entendres, and often mean more than one thing.

It is possible that what I write is not everyones’ cup of tea. My humour, is perhaps an acquired taste.

Maybe no one is paying attention. Maybe everyone is, somewhere in time.

That’s fine. I don’t mind, I can take it. I am a big boy. I have big shoulders. I don’t need people to like me.

But as the skipping record skips, it bears repeating.

The Constitution Act of 1867: Part 1 The Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms:

Section 2: Fundamental Freedoms

Everyone has the following fundamental freedoms:

  • (a) freedom of conscience and religion;

  • (b) freedom of thought, belief, opinion and expression, including freedom of the press and other media of communication;

  • (c) freedom of peaceful assembly; and

  • (d) freedom of association.

Because everyone has a voice.  Every word, every expression is priceless. We are all just stories in the end.

And for now, I am exercising my freedom to say what I want, what i shouldn’t have to say.

So I’m going on the Offensive.

Je suis Charlie.

The Day Before Christmas

‘Twas the day before Christmas, sometime after 4,
Not a snowflake was sighted, through window or door.

The turkey was roasting, and drippings with goo,
as poor puppies waited to go for a poo.

The kids were XBoxing and shouting at bots,
Potatoes were peeled and headed to pot.

With Mother a-tubbing, and I in my chair,
The tree lights sat glowing, with nary a care.

When out on the lawn there came not a sound,
no howling, no thunder, there was no one around.

The sky was a pasty white-grey shadowed thing
That last one got away from me, but it had a nice ring.

I glanced through the pane, and then – pain in the groin!
from the boney and one-tooth-less fruit of my loin.

You see kids are oblivious to their feets and each hand,
To what they are doing and where they will stand.

It’s noisy, it’s crazy, they’re smelly but sweet.
These kids make the moments of living a treat.

We do a good job, their mother and I,
of raising these rugrats from low to up high.

They’re happy, and healthy, and most are well-read,
they are all fairly sociable, though none make their bed.

Each one is a treasure, a rare work of art,
And yes they’ll still giggle at the sound of a fart.

So as we tuck in for our holiday fun,
remember these moments, savour each one.

It’s Yule Time, it’s Christmas and Festivus too,
and tomorrow, of course….

THERE’S NEW DOCTOR WHO!!!!!

Merry Christmas 2014 to all of you, from all of us.

It’s A Wonderful Life, Usually….

‘Tis the season for sharing and caring.

All the trimmings and customs come out from the woodwork to nestle themselves among the nooks and crannies of our holiday cheer.

Unless, of course, your personal experience resembles the wreck and ruin of interpersonal thermonuclear detonation.

Family, for the most part, is amazing. A sanctified unit of unconditional love and support, looking out for each other, caring, sharing and generally doing good will towards each other. Ideally, they are the people you have on your zombie apocalypse bug-out plan.

Sometimes though, we are not so lucky. It can be an arduous, difficult process just getting from one day to the next, trying to find a small patch of common ground somewhere on the scorched earth that was your lives.

We are all individuals, after all, playing at unity.

Best case scenario, you agree to disagree, cut your losses and move on, knowing and understanding the parameters of what your relationship must be from here on out.

Worst case scenario – it’s all over, and no amount of soul searching or wringing of hands will fix it.

You can’t affect their out look. You can’t make them see what they refuse to, and you can’t undo what has been said. And you certainly can’t forget it.

So this season, be extra generous with those still within your circle. Love them, be honest, about everything at all times. Don’t hide what you really feel, but know also that they need to feel safe to do the same.

Being honest can undo almost all damage, before it begins.

But if you wait, and you sit on it, hiding it away, then it might just all blow up in your face.

It’s a wonderful life if you let it be. And no perspective, whether it be prideful or self righteously borne, is worth throwing that life away.

Bitchin’ Dude

Wow, do i whine a lot or what?

First World Problems.

My favourite tv show isn’t meeting my paltry expectations. Woe is me.

Meanwhile, a family has lost another son to some over zealous radical fanatic with a camcorder and a YouTube account. A town teeters dangerously on the edge of social destruction, and little girls are lost and far from home.

Sometimes a minor shift in perspective (read:swift kick in the realistic behind) is healthy. Our problems are ours. We are compelled to make them communal, but at the end of the day it only really bugs us. It’s our issue.

How serious is it really? Will your life go on without the right amount of sugar in your latte today?

How about that property line? Can you get by with the branch hanging over that extra inch?

Maybe, instead of pissing and moaning in 140 brightly coloured characters over the most trivial, inane shot? We can use our powers for good.

Pick a minute. Any minute, and for 60 whole seconds, you only say something nice. Something positive. Something, anything, constructive.

I know. Practice what you preach. I get it.

But if you’ve gotten this far, then thats my minute done.

See what i did there?

Woah. Bitchin’, dude.

Year One

So it’s been about a year since I committed to be committed to my blog.

Listen:

It hasn’t gone the way I expected, but it is safe to say it also hasn’t gone the way I expected. It’s like swimming in the ocean, and getting temporarily caught in the undertow. At first there is panic and a sense of foreboding, surrounded by the rushing, swirling maelstrom of dark water. Then suddenly deep breath fills your lungs, and you are sitting in wet sand looking out at the horizon. Kind of like cup of soup.

I am very shortly entering into the seventh year of my new reality. The new life i forged for my family’s well being, and my professional contentment, and it has been eventful and chaotic. Change, however, is inevitable. Seven years is a lifetime to a cell, and we all regenerate in our own time. What life used to be about is no longer what it is about now – and I guess that is why it is called growing up, sliding down from the pedestal we put our daddy or mummy on. The Orient expresses a multitude of ageless and varied ways in which to find inner peace, but sometimes we just need to find a big friendly button to reset ourselves with.

Thanks to our ability to experience the passage of Time, We evolve and accept our new realities because to not do so would drive us to insanity and depression. Time away and Time alone allows for fondness of the heart to grow, and the opportunity to recognize those parts of life that are most important. Regardless of whether it is Time/She, or Time/He, is the fact that we wear it like a burden, and stake our claim to its stain upon us, really the best thing we can do with it? How do we just let it flow?

That may sound a bit philosophically full of itself, but it (if I can, just for a tic tock, turn this linguistic robot off) sure would be satisfying to know definitively that my careful thoughts don’t mean I am becoming boring.

Letting go of that which hurts us, or injures us, is the only true way to find our way in the forest. Of the nights and days I’ve already lived, I never assumed I could be the one carrying injury within me. Still, the trees shield us from the worst of the weather, and ground beneath our feet is firm and strong, giving us safe and steady passage along that long, flat line to tranquility.

As it is, i am home, and I am once again faced with my own wandering self-actualization. I am Dad. I am Husband. I am The Caretaker and The Provider. And my family looks to me for strength and support and guidance. What can I say? Except that i am as imperfect as everyone else. I believe in the mystery and wonder of the Universe, but it scares me. I am afraid of, but believe in the necessity of Death; in Heaven, whatever form it may take; and in the simple things that make life bearable – hugs, the smell of fresh ground coffee, having a place to belong.

So we get on with ourselves and our lives as best we can, despite the disappointment in the results immediately in front of us. It won’t always be this way. There will be ups and downs and sides. I will still get frustrated by laundry. I will still forget something. And, to paraphrase Bill Shakespeare, start most mornings off by saying “Get up Son, kill the moon and all that jazz” or whatever the quote was that sounded niftier in my head.

It’s Time to refocus my focus. It isn’t actually all that bad. I just need to find my Tao. Grab myself by the collar and run headlong into the great outdoors. “Let’s go, pal. You’re not quite over the hill! Into the dale, kiddo!” or some other such Tolkeinesque frolicsome blithering.

Let’s be honest – I am not a guy that frolics. I’m just not that graceful. But you get the idea. I am basically an idiot. And that’s ok.

Be Afraid. Be VERY Afraid. Please?

So I’ve sat on this thing for awhile, but now I can share it. Literally.

A while back, I was invited by Horror author G. R. Wilson (http://authorgrwilson.com/), along with other word-crafters, to contribute to an Horror anthology e-book.

I was pleased to see via email this morning that the collection is ready for your review, perusal, insight, enjoyment and all those other words that mean “have-a-look-see”.

I’m pretty proud of my little slice of scary, and look forward to enjoying my colleagues work as well.

So, please, stand up, put your hands together, then apart, then together again for several rounds, for “Hand Full of Horror”, written by Us, edited by the gracious Mr. G. R. Wilson, and available through the Dropbox links below.

http://tinyurl.com/kqozh5c (PDF Format)

http://tinyurl.com/k2eju8t (Epub Format)

Enjoy – It’s free. You’re Welcome. Now hurry up and be scared.

Skip To The End…….

It’s funny. You know, things and stuff.

All that waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

Hurry up to go here. Hurry up to go there. Hurry up and go. Hurry up and stay.

All that waiting for stuff to happen.

It seems like most everything takes forever. Especially things you weren’t expecting to go through, but you now find them permanently etched in the sidebar of your memory.

And then quite suddenly it has already happened and you are on to something else.

It makes me question whether or not Time actually exists. We think about Time. We talk about Time. We bitch about it, like, all the Time. We don’t have enough. We have too much.

We have a multitude of devices, habits and rituals that organize and pass the Time on our behalf so we aren’t sitting around waiting for the Time to run out.

But what if, just maybe, Time is all in our heads. The Universe, possibly, is just this big floating multidimensional puddle of cosmic vomit, slowly sliding down the drain of reality.

It doesn’t register the passing of anything. It is constantly moving in a state of Now.

Somehow, We are all just minnows, wading through ethereal puke, trying to make sense of the Now with a limited vocabulary and a severe case of Hyperopia. That’s fancy talk for farsightedness. (It’s okay – I Googled it. Took no Time at all.)

Once upon a Time, that would be just crazy talk. But fortunately, I think those days may be over.

Or maybe it’s all just a little bit of History Repeating. Like a “This has all happened before. And it will happen again. So say we all.”, sort of a thing. I guess Time will tell.

Man, I really need some down Time….

TL;dr Something something Time. Here we go into the HOME Stretch.

The L Word

Life. Don’t talk to me about Life.

Listen:

The days drift in and out of each other like the soapy water at my feet, sliding down the drain.

Suns rise. Rain falls. Like, A LOT.

The flat (very, very flat) landscape stretches out beyond the strange words and phrases and eerily similar pace of life.

And quite suddenly – it’s been six years.

I remember the day, the night, the moment. those precious wee hours, huddled together on the couch.

And it all feels like a whole lifetime ago.

It is easier to hide it all away, how much it hurts to be away. To keep it bottled up. 

To face the mirror, see the reflection, knowing it knows what i know. 

I am missing so much, everyday. 

The milestones and important days. The moments of clarity and sparks of imagination. The tears and the joys.

The comfort of your sanity and stability not lying next to you.

It kills me. All the time. So i try to keep it together.

Listen – there is an end date. This won’t last forever. It is a minor interruption in our regularly scheduled programming.

So i’ll stack up the days, side by side, like a line of heroes facing the music. Transform them into a fluid string of experience and opportunity, and recognize it will be all ok.

I’m hugging you all. I’m holding you tight. Everyday, as i walk through my life away from My Life.

You are all in my heart.

You are all my Life.

I love you.

Ah jeez, dry your eyes, already.