Category Archives: Um …. Awkward

Prenatal Advisory: Explicit Lyrics

Have I mentioned how diligent I am with this “blog” thing?

I’m like a wizard.

Who’s always late.

And boring.

So – My wife and I have a teenager now, and for all intents and purposes, he’s a pretty good kid.

He works hard in school. He’s sociable. He’s handsome and funny.

Basically all the things I wasn’t at 13.

Which is cool, because a parent should want their kids to have a better life than them. We do.

This card I have says that’s what I believe.

Apparently he was swearing a bit at school. Nothing shocking, just a few things that we as a modern, 21st Century civilization have come to deem as tolerable in public.

No big deal. I can handle that.

My 9 year old daughter, however, is a different matter.

I love her to death. She’s a sweetheart, who is generally really good and helpful most of the time.

Only every once in awhile, does she absolutely drive her mother and I right around the bend.

And this past weekend, while I was home visiting from a course, she said something that was kind of, well, unbelievable.

Now I don’t dare repeat it here, but while holding a pencil, sitting in the van as I was getting coffee, she said something to the effect of “depressurizing the contents of below average sized male genitalia”.

Yeah.

I don’t even think Dennis Farina (May he rest in peace, the f***ing f***ball) would ever come up with this line.

Part of me was furious. Part of me was doubled over. But the part of me right in the middle (specifically the heart part) felt a little bit bad, because it is entirely possible that through my decision-making paradigm as a parent, I might have let her think that a statement such as the one she made, may be not that bad.

We immediately corrected said behaviour, as parents do. She teared up. It never happened again.

But I still think about it. It still bugs me. Not that she said it. But that she figured it wasn’t that bad to say in the first place.

Recently, a friend who has a relatively new baby has been picking my brain for advice about parenting for guys, and I have tried to steer him in a positive direction, i hope.

But if there is something I can share based on my ongoing growth as a dad, a father and as a human being, it’s that our children can stupendous mirrors for the kinds of people we are, and reflect back the things we do and say.

So please – be bloody clear about what you want to have staring back at you.

Otherwise you may unexpectedly find yourself doubled over from a hit below the belt, with your heart in your hands.

Teh Internets ….. I can has headaches?

As we skip to and fro through the holiday season, enjoying the company of family and friends, an ugly truth has shown up asking to park itself on the couch.

Very recently, I found myself embroiled in a matter with someone close to me over something that was made available publicly. The individuals right to make it public is not the issue. Its graphic nature and the fact that it was made available in a social media forum, where the individual in question has also connected with my son, is. I’m being purposely obtuse BTW.

My wife felt compelled to comment on the extremely disturbing image, and that perhaps it probably shouldn’t have been put up at all. Then the crapulesence (not a real word) began to flow.

A handful of this individuals “friends” popped on to give their advice on how we should parent as well as our freedom to simply “hide” the posting in question. In short, if we couldn’t “handle” it, then we shouldn’t be there in the first place.

So here’s where I get angry, and seriously consider drowning all social media – The average age of these commentators is i believe in the early to mid 20’s. None of them appear to have children of their own. Nor do they appear to have a firm grasp of proper sentence structure, or a working understanding of punctuation. That aside, not once did the individual who put up the initial post ever respond, either to private message, public comment, or personal text.

I think that pisses me off more than anything.

There is a trend i have noticed with younger people. They don’t necessarily consider the wider effects of what they do when they are online. While sites such as Reddit offer a plethora of subject matter to sink your teeth into, it is organized in such a way that you won’t be offended when you log on to the page for the first time. You have to go looking for the sick and twisted shit. Also, the average poster seems to be a wee bit more mature in terms of what they have to say. My opinion.

Another example is Twitter, which limits you to 140 characters to illuminate your audience with, and provide links to the stuff you want to share.

Facebook was originally intended as a means to making connecting with family and friends easier. Out of this grew the current model, which includes game hosting, groups and fan pages. If you really feel strongly about something, you can create a group, and then invite those people you think will be responsive to your message.

Lastly, we have this page right here. A Blog. You very own personal digital diary. You can put what you’d like and be prepared for the good, bad and the ugly that comes your way as a result of what you write about.

What doesn’t get talked about in this new media age is personal responsibility. Even though you have the freedom to get your message out there, you still need to consider the number one rule when dealing with people: “Know your audience”. If you think there might be something offensive about what you are wanting to say, or show, then factor that into how you present it.

I have for the most part not had any issues with the stuff I’ve seen on the gamut of social media, however, lately, i have become increasingly fed up with a creeping trend of “shock for shock’s sake” and a host of attack-like commentary by complete strangers. This is where the concept of personal responsibility could really be helpful.

Dare I say – is it time for me to retreat from the social world? Because I have to tell you, I really don’t need the headache.

Mortality and the Uncarved Block

Ok – So I am actually really sorry. It has been far too long.

But obviously if there was really something going on, you know, that was worth saying, I’d have put on my big boy pants and set down to writing.

Alas, I am here now, so here it goes.

Mortality. A recent event occurred to a family member of mine where the question of mortality came into sharp relief. For someone who has not been subjected to more than the reasonable amount, the event was surprising enough to give the individual pause. I feel compelled to at least cast a sideways glance at mortality since I am taking a leisurely jaunt past its alley.

Funny, though. I haven’t really thought about it. I don’t feel the sense of mortality others might. I’m still definitely in the plodding, middle stages of trying to get through the day, ensuring the kids remain curious and young, enabling my wife to feel empowered and valued, and hoping for a few minutes of gleeful explosion-generating first person shooting on the xbox.

I’m also not quite prepared to deal with said individuals perhaps impending mortality. At least for now.

Also – I’m kind of fed up with assumed experience. And what I mean, without robbing the feline of its covering sack, is that I have gone through a variety of interesting and unique experiences in my life, and each has left distinct and not so distinct impressions on me. As have the people i have crossed swords and paths with.

I ‘m not inclined to bullshit, unless it’s to make a point. And I wish others wouldn’t either. More importantly, if it isn’t entirely true, then it’s lying.

Facebook is terrible for this. I often have to bite my thumb (and fingers, on both hands, or else whats the point) from responding like some knee-jerk wonder dunce answering the warbling cry of the less-than-endangered puff-chested social media butterfly.

Because let me tell you, there is so much fail in the world, i feel like i can’t take it, and i want to cave their heads in.

Who am I really to judge though, right? I’m just this guy, you know…..

My intention with my blog was always to bring just the slightest glimmer of a mummer’s fart of laughter in to the tiny microdot of existence i happen to orbit. But it’s also a venue for me to channel Mr. Furious and beat the ever McLovin’ out of the hood of a stretched 1978 Limited Edition Indianapolis 500 Pace Car Chevrolet Corvette. Metaphorically speaking of course.

Then i remembered the Uncarved Block.

I received many years ago as a gift, the book titled “The Tao of Pooh”, which reviewed A.A. Milne’s wonderful fantasy land in the context of Taoist paradigms. At the time, i though it was cool and that I sounded and looked cool for carrying it around.

I lost the book.

But I googled it tonight when it tripped over my brain stem, and I was happy to realize that maybe i may have a chance of trying out the higher path after all.

From the website, http://www.just-pooh.com/tao.html, it says “The essence of the Uncarved Block is that things in their original simplicity contain their own natural power, power that is easily spoiled and lost when that simplicity is changed. This principle applies not only to things, but to people as well. Or Bears. Which brings us to Pooh, the very Epitome of the Uncarved Block. When you discard arrogance, complexity, and a few, other things that get in the way, sooner or later you will discover that simple, childlike, and mysterious secret known to those of the Uncarved Block: Life is Fun. Along with that comes the ability to do things spontaneously and have them work, odd as that may appear to others at times”.

I need to let go of a lot of my frustration and anger about how stupid a species we are. We were stupid two thousand years ago, for nailing a guy to a tree after he suggested we all try to get along, and we will be stupid two thousand years from now when skinny aliens get the grand tour of This Island Hoth from a whiny robot boy who wants his mommy.

Yes the world is annoying. Ok so the world isn’t, but we are. And it isn’t going to change. I really need to work on pulling up my big boy pants, shaking my head and giving ever so soft a chuckle. And let it go. Because i’d really rather just have fun all the time. And do things spontaneously. And have it all work, odd as that may appear to others at times.

I still don’t have to be ready to deal with mortality, though. Not just yet.

Funny Guy…..

I have always considered myself to have a pretty good sense of humor. I have a quick wit, and a charmingly unique perspective on life, the universe, and everything.

I am also extremely humble, devoid of any egotistical tendencies, and I have never once thought to borrow ideas from other sources.

Also, I have a healthy respect for bullshit.

If you can imagine, I was perusing Facebook last evening after an invigorating 3km jog with my Operation:Frilly L’il Piledriver Crack Commando Squad, and I found myself on a bit of a roll with my comments.

I happened to think they were primarily droplets of comedic gold.

Question, however: Can funny go to far?

In one instance, though my offering was clearly within the realm of the subject matter being discussed, as well as the overall tone of the comment-list, it didn’t quite get the response i was aiming for.

You see, I kind suck balls when it comes to knowing whether people are laughing in an electronic environment, or not, as in this case.

Is their lack of response due to a shocked and horrified reaction to my grossly insensitive and vulgar words? Or are they doubled over with too much guffaw-ness to organize their simple digit based musculature to type “lol” and hit reply.

My fragile sense of self vibrates like wine glasses at an opera convention.

Knowing your audience is kind of a big deal. Especially in this digital-electro-techno-futuristic-IWorld reality we live in.

I guess all i am asking is if I pull an e-funny, and it makes you smile, or laugh, or if it causes your entrails to spontaneously relocate to four feet outside your abdomen, then let me know. The quicker, the better. Otherwise like a rabid “So Money” Mike, I will hit redial until you tell me to bounce.

Additionally, if i say something not so funny, keep it to yourself. Nobody likes a jerkbait.