Category Archives: Funny Ha Ha

Everything’s Coming Up …..Uh, What was I saying?….

OK. So I’m only human.

Not every post is going to be chock full of peaches and light, with happy bunnies crapping out rainbows and shit.

Sorry about that. That was wildly inappropriate.

I have been feeling a strong premonition relating to a head cold the last two days.

Today it appeared to up its game.

I have liquids and rest in my corner. The Cold has its minions invading my sinuses, and is stockpiling mucus.

It’s going to get violent soon.

Gross. It just made me sneeze all over my tablet.

Well played, Cold. Well played.

It Takes A Village…..

Let’s pretend you were the leader of a village.

And during your tenure as leader, you went around at night to all the chicken coops in the village, and bit the heads off of all the chickens. It doesn’t matter why you chose this particular distraction. It could have been macramé.

One of the children wakes up one night, and through their bedroom window, spots you committing your nefarious deeds.

The child tells their parents, friends, teachers – anyone who will listen.

But the child’s story is dismissed as ridiculous. You blame it on rats.

Until someone else sees it too on another night.

Suddenly, the rumour gains some momentum. Your fellow villagers cast side-long glances at you as you pass by. The mood shifts when you enter the local pub.

People become passively hostile towards you.

Eventually, cornered by your constituents and a lack of convenient foils, you cave.

You hold a village meeting, and with your hat in your hand, somberly and with great remorse, admit to your terrible secret activity.

You extol the virtues of your village, and genuflect upon the ruin and disappointment you have wrought.

You regale them with your future prospects’ and your renewed commitment to the villages’ sanctity and success.

You gaze proudly out to the crowd. Your magnanimous expression beaming down like a fresh, new sunrise.

You wrap up your apology-laden speech, giving time and space for your fellow villagers to reflect upon and process your words. They look at you, studying, contemplating.

And just like that, they lynch you for the bastard that you are.

Wake up, Toronto. You’ve got a rat problem.

Nixed Messages

So today I’ve had several pieces of technology fail on me.

The power went out. My laptop died. My tablet keeps rebooting. My vehicle is woefully unprepared for the winter, and dinner was too greasy. Generally the day ended up detouring to Poopsville, and I was being given the key to the city.

Of course at the end of the day I realize these are small potatoes. And for those of you unfamiliar with the mystical secrets of miniature pomme de terre-ians, it means really isn’t a big deal.

Even as we speak, or more accurately as I speak, I write this without the aid of my speak-n-spell option on my phone, which in no way overuses my diminishing battery life, I am working on a plan.

I am rising above. I am adapting and overcoming.  I am exercising the electronic demons that fester and putrify within my apparatuses…..apparatusi….my stuff.

In short, I am doing what any sane, sensible, modern techo-saavy macho dude in my place would do:

I looked it up online, found a solution and followed the instructions.

I can trust the internet, right?

Lazy Sunday…..

As always, the weekends go by too fast.

I often day dream about when I am retired.

The aimless days, wiling away the hours, drinking coffee, eating crackers and cheese.

Sampling audio delights of days gone-by or that documentary I always wanted to see, clad only in my raggediest of weekend wear.

Nowhere to be. No pressure. No stress.

Yeah, that first 28 minutes is pure heaven.

The rest of the day I’m just bored, sitting in my own unwashedness.

There’s only so many times you can refresh Twitter.

Oooohhhhh look. New arrivals on Netflix……

I Stream the Body Electric….

I have an unhealthy relationship with Netflix.

Hang on. Let me start at the beginning.

So like 5 years ago, we nixed cable/satellite as a source of entertainment, primarily due to cost, but also to stave off the bad habits we as a family were developing.

You know. Glued to the set for far too long throughout the day.

Skip to the end – We started using the streaming, digital version of Netflix probably about 2 years ago.

Man, those 3 movies and 2 tv shows were awesome.

I digress. I do that a lot.

Today, the majority of our recreational viewing is via Netflix. Which is ok, because it’s still waaaayyy cheaper than the alternative.

Here’s the problem.

No commercials.

I know, right??

What is my problem?

Here it is: Commercials would compel me to either a) switch channels, or b) get up and do something else, out of hatred for commercials.

Now we burn through tv shows, documentaries, movies of all kinds (that we’d never known existed) like some sort of tweaked out speed freaks.

It’s a bad habit.

And the worst thing of all?

You can never find the things you ACTUALLY want to watch, so you settle for something less than ideal.

Oh. My. God.

I’m paying for a video rental store.

I feel so dirty…….

Prenatal Advisory: Explicit Lyrics

Have I mentioned how diligent I am with this “blog” thing?

I’m like a wizard.

Who’s always late.

And boring.

So – My wife and I have a teenager now, and for all intents and purposes, he’s a pretty good kid.

He works hard in school. He’s sociable. He’s handsome and funny.

Basically all the things I wasn’t at 13.

Which is cool, because a parent should want their kids to have a better life than them. We do.

This card I have says that’s what I believe.

Apparently he was swearing a bit at school. Nothing shocking, just a few things that we as a modern, 21st Century civilization have come to deem as tolerable in public.

No big deal. I can handle that.

My 9 year old daughter, however, is a different matter.

I love her to death. She’s a sweetheart, who is generally really good and helpful most of the time.

Only every once in awhile, does she absolutely drive her mother and I right around the bend.

And this past weekend, while I was home visiting from a course, she said something that was kind of, well, unbelievable.

Now I don’t dare repeat it here, but while holding a pencil, sitting in the van as I was getting coffee, she said something to the effect of “depressurizing the contents of below average sized male genitalia”.

Yeah.

I don’t even think Dennis Farina (May he rest in peace, the f***ing f***ball) would ever come up with this line.

Part of me was furious. Part of me was doubled over. But the part of me right in the middle (specifically the heart part) felt a little bit bad, because it is entirely possible that through my decision-making paradigm as a parent, I might have let her think that a statement such as the one she made, may be not that bad.

We immediately corrected said behaviour, as parents do. She teared up. It never happened again.

But I still think about it. It still bugs me. Not that she said it. But that she figured it wasn’t that bad to say in the first place.

Recently, a friend who has a relatively new baby has been picking my brain for advice about parenting for guys, and I have tried to steer him in a positive direction, i hope.

But if there is something I can share based on my ongoing growth as a dad, a father and as a human being, it’s that our children can stupendous mirrors for the kinds of people we are, and reflect back the things we do and say.

So please – be bloody clear about what you want to have staring back at you.

Otherwise you may unexpectedly find yourself doubled over from a hit below the belt, with your heart in your hands.

Yo Dawg, I heard you like philosophical meanderings of an introspective nature….

I have a morbid fascination with the concept of time. Our complete obedience and subjugation to it, perceived or otherwise.

We are all time-travellers, after a fashion, we are just travelling forward. Albeit very, VERY slowly. And the impact we have on events can’t be felt or acknowledged as it occurs, but much later. It’s like the worst plot ever for a science fiction film.

We live immersed in an ocean of perception and experience. We order those elements into finite cubes that make sense to our three dimensional brain. We stack those cubes in orders of importance or priority, giving preference to those cubes we cherish more.

And everyday, we are stacking. We stack them in groups, or pairs, or in great conglomerations with those we love. The cubes grow and shrink in number and size. They stretch out towards the horizon. They fit inside our pocketses. They hide us, define us, catch us by surprise on a daily basis like Pikka Birds at sunrise.

We tend to them with loving, fretful vigilance. We are patient, and terrified. And the time just sidles by.

So another cube I place. Another stone to step on. Another marker for the miles.

It’s funny. We spend so much time waiting for things, and then when things happen, we wonder what the rush was. The new reality “You” looks back and says “Well of course this is what it feels like, what did you expect?”.

You know what they say.

Wherever you go, there you are.

(Facepalm) Past Me is waving at Future Me like an idiot. Everyone’s watching. It’s a little embarrassing.

Ermagherd! Wrerter’s Blerk!

New project!!

2500 to 2800 word essay. Open concept. Cool topic. One that I am exceedingly comfortable with.

This the part of the movie where I hit the proverbial wall.

I gave myself a bit of time to suss out what direction i wanted to head in, but unfortunately, as with some of my early attempts at script writing, fits and starts are all I’m getting.

And here I find myself again, where fine ham abounds like a banquet of literary pork. That last sentence just slipped right out like a well hawked loogie. So did that one.

So more than anything, today’s morsel is more for me than you. It’s my warm-up. Just enough to get me moving forward.

There. I feel better already. Eyes on the prize. Ready to rock. Send me in, Coach. Totally, 100% foc- SQUIRREL!

Motivation……

Somewhere, in some parallel universe, there is a version of me fastidiously hammering out golden streams of intellectual honeydew, blogging and tweeting to the throbbing masses, plucking snickers-level wordy goodness right out of the air.

Day in, as well as day out, this faster, sleeker, dare i say “streamlined” version of my very own self is manic and feverish, unleashing his critical think-funk upon the interweblets, undeterred by the regular life stuff tripping him up.

He is a virtuoso at time management. He is connected and tuned in. He is the epitome of bluetooth/wireless/virtual excellence. He is all of these things, and for good measure, keeps a potato peeler in his back pocket.

I happen to outshine him in two respects.

First, I am slightly funnier.

and secondly, I am way gooder with words and stuff.

I’ll try to be here more often.

Mortality and the Uncarved Block

Ok – So I am actually really sorry. It has been far too long.

But obviously if there was really something going on, you know, that was worth saying, I’d have put on my big boy pants and set down to writing.

Alas, I am here now, so here it goes.

Mortality. A recent event occurred to a family member of mine where the question of mortality came into sharp relief. For someone who has not been subjected to more than the reasonable amount, the event was surprising enough to give the individual pause. I feel compelled to at least cast a sideways glance at mortality since I am taking a leisurely jaunt past its alley.

Funny, though. I haven’t really thought about it. I don’t feel the sense of mortality others might. I’m still definitely in the plodding, middle stages of trying to get through the day, ensuring the kids remain curious and young, enabling my wife to feel empowered and valued, and hoping for a few minutes of gleeful explosion-generating first person shooting on the xbox.

I’m also not quite prepared to deal with said individuals perhaps impending mortality. At least for now.

Also – I’m kind of fed up with assumed experience. And what I mean, without robbing the feline of its covering sack, is that I have gone through a variety of interesting and unique experiences in my life, and each has left distinct and not so distinct impressions on me. As have the people i have crossed swords and paths with.

I ‘m not inclined to bullshit, unless it’s to make a point. And I wish others wouldn’t either. More importantly, if it isn’t entirely true, then it’s lying.

Facebook is terrible for this. I often have to bite my thumb (and fingers, on both hands, or else whats the point) from responding like some knee-jerk wonder dunce answering the warbling cry of the less-than-endangered puff-chested social media butterfly.

Because let me tell you, there is so much fail in the world, i feel like i can’t take it, and i want to cave their heads in.

Who am I really to judge though, right? I’m just this guy, you know…..

My intention with my blog was always to bring just the slightest glimmer of a mummer’s fart of laughter in to the tiny microdot of existence i happen to orbit. But it’s also a venue for me to channel Mr. Furious and beat the ever McLovin’ out of the hood of a stretched 1978 Limited Edition Indianapolis 500 Pace Car Chevrolet Corvette. Metaphorically speaking of course.

Then i remembered the Uncarved Block.

I received many years ago as a gift, the book titled “The Tao of Pooh”, which reviewed A.A. Milne’s wonderful fantasy land in the context of Taoist paradigms. At the time, i though it was cool and that I sounded and looked cool for carrying it around.

I lost the book.

But I googled it tonight when it tripped over my brain stem, and I was happy to realize that maybe i may have a chance of trying out the higher path after all.

From the website, http://www.just-pooh.com/tao.html, it says “The essence of the Uncarved Block is that things in their original simplicity contain their own natural power, power that is easily spoiled and lost when that simplicity is changed. This principle applies not only to things, but to people as well. Or Bears. Which brings us to Pooh, the very Epitome of the Uncarved Block. When you discard arrogance, complexity, and a few, other things that get in the way, sooner or later you will discover that simple, childlike, and mysterious secret known to those of the Uncarved Block: Life is Fun. Along with that comes the ability to do things spontaneously and have them work, odd as that may appear to others at times”.

I need to let go of a lot of my frustration and anger about how stupid a species we are. We were stupid two thousand years ago, for nailing a guy to a tree after he suggested we all try to get along, and we will be stupid two thousand years from now when skinny aliens get the grand tour of This Island Hoth from a whiny robot boy who wants his mommy.

Yes the world is annoying. Ok so the world isn’t, but we are. And it isn’t going to change. I really need to work on pulling up my big boy pants, shaking my head and giving ever so soft a chuckle. And let it go. Because i’d really rather just have fun all the time. And do things spontaneously. And have it all work, odd as that may appear to others at times.

I still don’t have to be ready to deal with mortality, though. Not just yet.